From Russia With Love

Sometime soon, Ken Suski will push back from his seat at an elegant Washington restaurant, steady his love-struck eyes on a beautiful blonde with porcelain skin seated opposite him, and drop to one knee. Then he will recite the following words: "Hachu, chto-bee tee sta-la mo-yey zhe-noy. Ti viy-desh za me-nya? I want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?"

If Oxsana Kleschenko, 29, says "yes," Suski’s long search for a wife will be over. The 43-year-old college administrator always gravitated toward European women — at one point he even had a French girlfriend. A native of Buffalo, NY, he spotted his prospective bride last spring at the Saturday Club, a monthly social gathering sponsored by a matchmaking service, Encounters International, which brings together male clients and Russian women who live in the area. Kleschenko happened to be visiting an American networking engineer she had met briefly in Moscow through the service, but decided against marrying him. Kleschenko’s attraction to Suski, however, was unmistakable, and the two of them ended up seeing each other in the days before an expiring visa forced her to return home.

Suski’s July trip to Moscow confirmed his original impression that Kleschenko, a translator who holds a masters degree in psychology, was indeed Ms. Right. After returning to the U.S. he sent her flowers. Ever since, the couple has chatted on the phone about four times a week, and regularly exchanges emails and photographs. E.I.’s owner, Natasha Spivack, says that both parties are eager for a reunion in March. That’s when Suski plans to pop the question.

Suski’s use of a matchmaking service to find a wife represents a growing trend among career oriented, mostly white-collar males, up to their eyeballs in work, who don’t have the time or energy to search for a mate. But with plenty of smart, talented single females seemingly everywhere these days, why set one’s tentacles on women from, of all places, the former Soviet Union?

Because, according to dozens of men interviewed for this article, American women are so busy building their own careers and striving for equality that traditional male-female roles have become blurred if not completely lost to radar. "American women seem married to their jobs," said Paul Britman, 43, an analyst for the Federal Aeronautics Administration, and a lifelong bachelor.

Such sentiment has translated into disappointment for many contemporary men intent on conventional marriages. Rick Rudinger, 41, a Fredrick, Md. divorced father of two, is among their swelling ranks: "I have a lot of guy friends who are in positions of power, who are givers like me, and all of them complain that women these days are too self-centered. It’s not that I expect to be treated like a king. It’s just the mentality, this attitude of entitlement and the notion that relationships are not a two-way street. My two kids are pretty well-grounded, but even my daughter is beginning to think this way. Is it cultural? Is it societal? What the hell is it nowadays that makes relationships so difficult? I’ve been to Europe and Asia. I don’t know whether they’re 100 years behind, or what, but there’s definitely a better attitude there."

While more men like Rudinger are turning increasingly to foreign women, the question of what’s driving them there has not gone unnoticed. "There is a growing perception that American women have bartered their femininity for a seat at the boardroom," according to San Francisco relationship expert Karla Erovick. "While their careers may be flourishing, their relationships are languishing. They don’t define themselves by their relationships any longer and therefore don’t consider them to be of much importance." At the same time, it’s unfair to cast all American females entirely in the same mold, cautioned Erovick, author of Love to Date — Date to Love: Unlocking the Secrets of Dating.

Lisa Daily, a Minneapolis-based author of Stop Getting Dumped!, insists that old-style radical feminism has undermined the tenuous balance between the sexes and sent the pendulum too far in one direction. "Somewhere in the middle of the feminist movement we decided that any act of kindness formerly associated with traditional women’s roles was sexist and demeaning, giving many women a ‘them against us mentality," she said. Wherever the truth lies, the twin dynamics of female empowerment and the search by status-seekers for a star, has left increasing numbers of ordinary, decent men out of the spotlight and, romantically speaking, out on a limb.

"I go to a party and mention I’m in construction, and that’s the end of the conversation," said Chuck Craik, an Alexandria, Virginia real estate developer. "Never mind that I supervise 200 people and my income probably dwarfs that of anyone in the room. Unless you’re a lawyer or Phd., women I run into will have nothing to do with you." Harry Green of Sterling, Virginia concurs. "What we have these days is a de facto caste system that factors in one’s family ties, socioeconomic level, university pedigree, and so on," said the 46-year-old software engineer. "If you don’t score high enough, women in this area have no interest in you."

The upshot, Daily concludes, is that with regard to relationships, "American men want a return to more traditional values."

Such thinking has left the door wide open for matchmaking agencies such as Encounters International, which a 1998 study commissioned by the U.S. Naturalization and Immigration Service concluded is the only service of its kind that keeps track of members. If things go according to plan, Suski will join 227 satisfied clients who met their mates through E.I., which despite 22 divorces and 26 broken engagements since its founding in 1993 probably still sports one of the best batting averages among more than the 300 to 400 other matchmaking agencies worldwide — both online and hands on — that are cashing in today on the lucrative market of matchmaking Russian women with American men.

A common perception is that such services cater to losers. But Spivack claims that most of her clients hold at least master’s degrees and good jobs — one African American client even served as an aide to Al Gore — and some have top security clearances. "It’s been my experience that the men (who use such services) are bright and successful, but that emotionally something is missing," said Dr. Gilda Carle, author of Don’t Bet on the Prince! and four other relationship books. Daily disagrees. "Many men who seek relationships with foreign women are looking for a partner who isn’t all wrapped up in gender roles and the mentality of "if you change my tire that’s great, but if I make a sandwich for you that’s demeaning." Erovick thinks the concept of matchmaking singles from different nations can be beneficial. "Relationships can be very complicated in the best of circumstances and even more so with a foreign woman," she said. "If these issues (family expectations, cultural concerns and communication) aren’t daunting, then I say go for it."

The process of searching for a Russian wife at Encounters International begins with male clients combing through various picture albums of Russian women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. The men collect personal data about the women they find most attractive, view their videos on line, then contact Spivack and her overseas staffers before addressing the most appealing women with letters. "If a girl is not interested in someone, or if she’s already involved, I will tell him upfront so that he doesn’t waste his time," said Spivack, who discourages cranks and pessimists of both sexes from joining the service. Male clients range from a 21-year-old college student to a 79-year-old retired Air Force colonel. Eventually, clients travel to Russia or the Ukraine to meet the women they have singled out. Spivack promises to return the $1850 lifetime fee of any man who doesn’t marry within a year, an offer so far taken up by only three clients, including doctor in Wisconsin who found a wife through the service yet fraudulently demanded a refund anyway.

The personal involvement of Spivack, who earned a minor in psychology from Moscow State University (along with a masters degree in Arabic and Middle Eastern Studies), helps heal cultural rifts that are likely to pop up during the course of such a courtship. Some clients, including Green, quickly discover "the woman of their dreams" and propose during their first visit. Others, such as McLean, Va. banker John Juliano, 35, proceed more slowly. After impulsively marrying a beautiful seamstress at age 27 only to divorce her when she pressed him into moving to Florida and becoming a stripper, the handsome ex high school cornerback who dated cheerleaders during his playing days went back to American women. But he gave them up for good after three years of frustration on which he blamed excess baggage, poor attitude, and lack of direction. Besides, the exotic beauty and traditionalism of Russian females continued to intrigue him. So after reconnecting with Spivack, he found another Russian girlfriend and, once he was satisfied that she came from a good family, married her in July. Bill Lawson, 52, has been in even less of a hurry. The Northern Virginia landscape artist visited Kiev five times before finally concluding that his intended, a 29-year-old manager of a currency-trading firm, was unsuitable.

"I was being extremely careful because I wanted to make sure she was the right one," Lawson said. "Anna wasn’t a gold digger, but she lost her job, and that put a strain on our relationship because it involved me supporting her and her family. Whenever I showed up, she whisked me off to restaurants and clothing stores instead of inviting me for a romantic picnic in the park — that’s really what I was looking for — or just serving a nice home-cooked meal. It was always ‘we’ll do it, we’ll do it.’ The one time it happened I ended up spending enough to feed the two of us, along with six of her friends, her mother, her grandmother, and her nine-year-old son for a week. It was a package deal — I realized I was going to have to send money on a regular basis to support all the others in her family. I didn’t say much because I was in the company of a beautiful woman a lot younger myself. But it raised questions. Another red flag was that she never spent the money I gave her to take English lessons. It became clear that over the long run she was going to spend a lot more than I could afford, and it wouldn’t have worked. But I still had a wonderful time."

So wonderful that despite his eventual break up with Anna, Lawson has gone back to Russia on four additional occasions in a continuing quest for his dream woman. He thinks he may have located her on his last trip, and is planning another visit to find out for sure. "I’m not a believer in love at first sight, but we had instant chemistry, and I fell head over heels," he said of the new apple of his eye, a 38-year-old divorced mother of a 16-year-old son. "Everything that Anna was, this girl isn’t," Lawson said. "I spent only $50 a day on her instead of $300. She didn’t cook meals, but that’s in the next trip, and she’s fine with that. She’s just looking for someone who will treat her with respect and love."

Clients often find the hunt for a Russian mate addicting, which might explain why so many of them who fail on their first try are eager to ask for additional names and numbers instead of a refund. This is largely due to the hands-on involvement of Spivack, who at 14 became a breaststroke champion in her native Moscow. She immigrated to the U.S. in 1986 after marrying a Jewish dissident named Boris, and landed a job teaching Russian at Johns Hopkins University School of Advanced International Studies. When Boris died in a car wreck just 18 months after their arrival, she discovered the harsh reality of the Washington, DC singles scene. Despite eventually remarrying then divorcing an American, she couldn’t forget the difficulties she faced as a single parent trying to meet new men, or the irony of hearing American men complain about American women.

Then, while visiting Russia, she noticed an abundance of talented, beautiful women, unfulfilled in their desire to have a family, and seemingly destined to lead lonely and unhappy lives. They complained about the high rate of alcoholism and unemployment among Russian men. Only about 20 percent of Russian bachelors, she said, seemed to be making a decent living, and all too often they turned out to be Mafia figures (now referred to as "New Russians") in no hurry to get married who considered women older than 25 to be past their prime. Back in the U.S., meanwhile, Spivack kept running into men who described American women as shallow, spoiled, overweight, neurotic, demanding, uninterested in cooking and married to their jobs. The fit seemed perfect. Spivack began fixing up friends and acquaintances before realizing that a serious, large-scale effort would require more than just providing lists of names and addresses. But she was hooked, and eventually quit her teaching job at Hopkins in order to play Cupid full time.

One of her first successes involved Green who, at 38, had nothing but years of frustration to show for his endless attempts at establishing a lasting relationship. "I went to bars, singles dances, you name it, but there was no payoff," said Green, a native of Philadelphia, who described Washington as a "power city, full of power-hungry people into playing games. Corporate games. Political games. Relationship games. The attitude I ran into was ‘use whoever you can to get what you need then get the hell out.’ By then, he wanted nothing more to do with American women, many of whom he came to regard as trash talking, money hungry vamps such as the "cold fish" barfly with an unlimited appetite for bad mouthing and all things material who married his brother. Green’s only real relationship, a long distance romance with a New Jersey woman, lasted from 1992 to 1993. He noticed that other single men in the area had difficulty pairing up, too, and that many of them eventually gave up trying. But Green plowed ahead, spending several thousand dollars at four area matchmaking agencies. Nothing clicked for him until he spotted an ad for Encounters International and called Spivack, who draws on her university training in psychology, expertise in Russian culture, and personal experience negotiating the U.S. singles scene to bring together American men and Russian women.

E.I., along with Green’s 8-year-old marriage, has since flourished. Today, Spivack operates the agency out of a temporary apartment in Rockville (her $500,000 Bethesda home that doubled as an office was destroyed last year by a fire), coordinating with family-oriented, university-educated recruiters of Russian and Ukrainian women at satellite offices in Moscow, Kiev and Yaroslav. Inna Sorokina, a stunning, 30-year-old blonde Russian-trained pediatrician who plans to resume her medical practice in the U.S. once the appropriate licensing comes through, bides her time by posting information, updates, and tips for dating Russian woman on the Internet. Prospective clients tend to gravitate to cheaper matchmakers when they find out about E.I.’s $1850 fee. But many of these operations are fly-by-night. They hawk photos and information relating to Russian women and sponsor quickie tours/socials that often attract gold diggers and hookers, some of whom work on staff.

"The owners provide the names and addresses of Russian girls for an average of $10 each," Spivack said. "Maybe only three girls out of ten will respond to a guy when he writes to them, often with very sexy pictures. The problem is that one of these three girls may be a con artist, may be living with her boyfriend or even married and doing this correspondence as a part-time job for extra money. Maybe she is not a girl at all. The con artist will always tell the guy what he wants to hear so, of course, the guy ends up liking him/her the best." After two or three letters are exchanged, Spivack said, the con artist may request money for a plane ticket, a visa, English lessons, an interpreter, Internet service, and even a supposedly dying grandmother desperately in need of expensive medication. Many fall for this scam and send money, never to hear from the woman again. Some actually travel to Russia to meet their intended, only to be fleeced firsthand. "Many who go with cheaper agencies end up calling me back two or three years later to say that they had a horrible experience, lost a lot of money, and want to join my service." This applied to Green, who signed up originally with a cut-rate Russian marriage broker that suddenly vanished.

One popular perception is that women who turn to a matchmaker do so to escape the poverty of their homeland. But Spivack claims that some Russian women actually have more money than the Americans who court them. "The truth is that most of these girls are very traditional and just want a family and to lead a happy life," she said. "It is a very big decision for them to come over here. They must give up their apartments, and say goodbye to their friends and their families. In most cases, they’ll do anything they possibly can to make things work out." Spivack said that cultural differences inevitably will cause disharmony in any marriage but can be smoothed over with understanding and patience. To screen out hustlers, she advises all potential suitors to use prenuptial agreements.

None of that came into play in the case of a wealthy Virginia contractor, Jim Fox, who found himself in court regularly as a result of allegations of abuse made by his Russian ex-wife whom he met after a client of another Russian dating service dumped her. Fox, 42, claimed the charges against him were false, and the criminal court eventually acquitted him. But now the battle is being carried out in civil court. Spivack claims that Russian opportunists began filing false claims after U.S. feminists made it politically fashionable to demonize men married to foreigners as abusive and controlling while portraying their wives as willing to endure suffering out of fear that abandoning their husbands before two years of residency in the U.S. would force their return home.

Legislation pushed through at the instigation of American feminists enabled battered Russian women to petition for permanent residency status on their own, without the involvement of their husbands. "That enabled dishonest and manipulative foreign women to set up their husbands and report them as abusers in order to get permanent status in the USA," said Spivack, who along with her managers in Russia and the Ukraine do what they can to make sure every budding romance gets off to a good start.

The firm’s Moscow managers and "apartment caretaker" made Harry Green’s trip to meet Yelena Sokolova appear seamless. They arranged economical transportation and a place for Green to stay. They set him up with an interpreter. And they made suggestions about things for him to do during his whirlwind, 17-day visit. Finally, they paved the way for Green’s first meeting with a divorcee eight years Harry’s junior named Yelena, who decided to give EI a try after reading about the service in a Moscow newspaper. Harry Green’s short but "kind" letter immediately caught her attention. The pair wrote to each other for three or four months before Green decided that she might be "the one." By the time he showed up in Moscow, his feelings for her were stronger than ever. "She was only person who seemed to be interested in making an effort," he said. For Yelena there was no hesitation. "I knew right away that I loved him," she noted. Halfway through his visit, Green proposed. The couple has been married for eight years. They now share their comfortable, four bedroom home in Sterling with daughter, Valeria, 6 and a mixed Dalmatian puppy named Lars.

Spivack claims success even in particularly hard cases, including that of a Cleveland sales clerk with a severely burned face who found his match in the form of a Russian nurse skilled in caring for such victims. But nothing, she insists, can help any male who comes to her handicapped by a bad attitude. One disgruntled client who claimed a refund had the dual misfortune of being fat and bald, Spivack said. "Because he was paying a premium to have premium girls, we were prepared to get behind the scenes and work hard to try and find the right one for him. Some women told me that he reminded them of a clown, so I emphasized his attractive parts, telling them, for example, that he’s was an intellectual, pointing out that baldness would never mean anything once they got to know him better. But this person also happened to be very nasty and he used foul language. Nothing was good enough for him. ‘What am I paying for?’ he would say. ‘These women aren’t any better than American women.’ At least if a person is nice we can compensate. But I wouldn’t with all sincerity be able to recommend him to anyone, so I gave him his money back."

Lisa Daily says there is good news on the horizon for men who don’t want to go to the trouble of looking overseas for a romantic relationship in the form of what she calls "Stiletto Feminism," which she uses to describe women who want to believe that they can have it all: equal pay for equal work, control of their own finances and destinies, and power and pleasure in their femininity. "These women are comfortable enough in their own skin to want to enjoy some of the more traditional joys of being female, including courtship and marriage, and caring for their husbands and families," Daily said. "They’re masters in the boardroom, but still enjoy it when their husbands hold open the car door, and are happy reciprocating with their own kindnesses. (They) understand that relationships require and deserve effort from both parties (and) have been feeling this for quite a while," according to Daily.

"Stiletto feminists grew up with working mothers, and feel free to make the choice to stay home with husbands and children. They realize that it is the freedom and ability to make choices (and not the actual choice itself) that is most important. The key difference is that the Stiletto Feminists do not feel a need to PROVE they are equal, they already believe it — which is why they feel comfortable accepting men and women in more traditional roles. I do a lot of radio interviews, and spend a lot of time talking to women. When I say "Stiletto Feminism" a light comes on and they say "YES! "

Stiletto Feminism may indeed provide men with welcome relief. But antsy males are not about to hold their breaths waiting for the American female population to wholeheartedly embrace it. Not with seemingly endless numbers of well-educated, tradition-minded and beautiful blondes, redheads and brunettes from halfway around the world ready, willing and able to fulfill their needs now. As if to underscore the point, they show up religiously each month for local gatherings of the Saturday Club socials to mix and mingle with single Russian and Ukrainian women who live in greater metropolitan Washington DC. Also on hand are married couples brought together by Spivack, who served as a consultant for Postmark Paradise, a feature film that tells the tale of a Russian girl who comes to the U.S. to marry an American hillbilly.

Socializing at a recent Saturday Club picnic at local park is slow at first, but as the day wears on it builds into a crescendo of animated chatter, encouraged by bottles of beer and the intoxication of anticipation. The women are chatting and comparing notes with other women while the men trade war stories about their failed relationships with American ex-girlfriends and wives. Little by little, the two groups begin to merge. Among them is Rick Rudinger, who decided to check out E.I. after hearing favorable reports about the service from a neighbor who met his Russian wife through it nine years ago.

"Finding girls to go out with has never been a problem for me," said the handsome six-footer, an ex-Army Ranger and graduate of the Citadel, who inevitably got around to ticking off reasons why he has soured on American women, most notably a $10,000-per-month blue-eyed, blonde trust fund baby, "a self centered Barbie who graciously accepted my offers to mow her three-acre lawn and cook dinner but could never bring herself to reciprocate." Rudinger, a textile rep, then wasted 2 ½ years courting an alcoholic, manic-depressive schoolteacher with whom he broke up four times before finally dropping. A fling with another teacher lasted just three months. Recently, he met a Polish woman through the online matchmaking service, Udate, and their initial dinner together went well. "It was a whole different mindset," he said. "She even sent me a thank you letter. What American woman would do that?" Rudinger said he appreciates the thoughtfulness, the "honorable attitude," that he says seems more characteristic of foreign women. This, and comments from other satisfied customers such as Virginian Sean Dunlap, is making him lean toward paying for a full membership. "Sean met his wife, Natasha, through the service after becoming disillusioned with dating local women," Rudinger explained. "He went over to Russia to kick the tires, to make sure that her family wasn’t a bunch of alcoholics or manic depressives, and to see if they clicked. They did. The bottom line is that nine years later they’re still both best friends and they love each other very much." Rudinger later showed some pictures he took at the Saturday Club to five of his bachelor friends. "Now, they’re really interested in checking it out, too," he said.

Bill Lawson was also on hand for the Saturday Club. His possibilities in the world of romance have broadened considerably as a result of turning to matchmaking. Although this exuberant, 52-year-old party boy says he relishes the idea of settling down with his new love, Luba, E.I.’s lifetime guarantee enables him to keep his options open. When Spivack announced to the Saturday Club that pictures of women from her new office in Yaroslav would soon be available online to male members for the first time, Lawson, in his eagerness to view the photos, reacted like a kid in a candy store. But isn’t he engaged? "Two types of men join EI," Spivack conceded. "One type is serious and really knows what they’re looking for. They correspond, develop relationships, visit the lady, settle down, and live happily ever after. The other type is always looking for someone better around the corner. Those, of course, are going to take longer."

E.I.’s Scorecard

Marriages: 227 in nine years, including 5 American men married previously through the service who divorced then took a second Russian wife.

Total Marriages in 9 years: 227Currently engaged: 25 couples.

<>Downside risk: There have been 25 broken engagements and 22 divorces in 9 years. <>Meeting Place: All except 16 clients met their wives either in Russia or the Ukraine. The remainder encountered them locally, primarily at E.I socials. This includes two clients from California, one from Kentucky, one from Florida, and 11 from the greater DC metropolitan area. One couple from this group has gotten divorced.

Downside risk: There have been 25 broken engagements and 22 divorces in 9 years. Meeting Place: All except 16 clients met their wives either in Russia or the Ukraine. The remainder encountered them locally, primarily at E.I socials. This includes two clients from California, one from Kentucky, one from Florida, and 11 from the greater DC metropolitan area. One couple from this group has gotten divorced.

Home: Currently, 52 of the couples make their homes Maryland, 60 live in Virginia, and 10 reside in Texas, and 10 in California. Two of the couples live in Canada and one is in Italy. Four of the couples are interracial (Russian/African-American). Total children from these unions total 62. E.I.’s current database includes the names of 400 women. Of these, about 200 range in age from 18 to 29; 150, 30 to 39; 50 are over 40 years of age. Of these women, 51 reside in the U.S. while the rest are divided between Moscow, Kiev, and Yaroslav.

Age Ranges of clients: The youngest E.I. client is 21; the oldest, a 79-year-old Air Force colonel. The majority of clients range in age from 35 to 45. Most male clients are American, but E.I.’s roster currently includes men from Canada, Singapore, and Great Britain.

Typical Age Differences Between Men and Women: 10 to 15 years.